It is immensely hard to update this blog when I am feeling less than stellar. I want to share my journey here, and my life as a truck driver, but there are (sometimes too many) days that are hard, or frustrating, or lonely.
On the occasion I do discuss the bad days here, I generally try to play them off like they’re no big thing, like they’re perfectly normal. To be fair, it is perfectly normal to have a higher than average number of bad days, when you spend all of your time trapped in a small box with anyone, no matter how much you like or dislike them at any given moment. However, sometimes it’s incredibly hard not to feel like my entire future is encompassed in this truck, and that I will spend the rest of my life homeless, driving across the country, just holding the truck between the lines. If you have ever worked a job you hated, some dead-end job, with no room for advancement, any kind of job that makes you feel like your life is going nowhere, you probably well understand how incredibly trapped and hopeless that can make you feel.
Yes, being a truck driver can be a huge adventure, at times. When you’re sitting, and can explore new cities, when you’re driving through a new state, and learning new routes. When you’re walking through a creepy truck stop at three in the morning, after watching a horror movie, and you’re convinced their is danger lurking around every corner.
There are good days, too. Days where we spend the whole day talking about things, reading, researching, and discovering new things that make us happy. There are days where it is simply a joy to be able to be so close together, so often. There are days where this job would be damn near perfect, if vacation time just wasn’t so costly.
Those are the days I like to write about. The fun days, the exciting days, and even the peaceful, boring, contented days. I am an incredibly private person, and I really struggle with sharing the negative aspects of my life, in anything other than a vague sidebar, with anyone outside of my very small inner circle.
However, I have decided that this is an unfair, biased, and relatively delusional way to chronicle my experience as a truck driver. No, I’ll probably never talk about the details of the many fights and misunderstandings- you neither want to know, nor particularly care, most likely. But I feel that I can no longer pretend that being a truck driver is always a fabulous adventure, either.
This is an incredibly difficult life to live. It’s lonely, it’s tiring, and sometimes it is incredibly discouraging. Being out here on the road makes you homesick, in a fierce way. Sometimes it makes me long for the hated job I left behind in New Mexico, simply because it was a constant, and I had much-needed stability in my life.
When you are stuck together with someone all the time, it is incredibly hard not to feel like every disagreement, minor or major, is the end of the world. The good moments are great, and the bad moments are really bad. It’s also an incredibly difficult way for a new relationship to thrive. If we survive being truck drivers together for two years, I genuinely believe that there isn’t anything that can break us. But sometimes discouragement sets in, and sometimes it is hard to see past that tense moment of uncomfortable silence, or hurt feelings. Sometimes the box just feels like a coffin, where the dying remnants of an imagined life are choking on their last breaths.
No, I am not this negative very often, but it needs to be said: this life is hard. On you, your relationships, your family, your friends, and everything else. It is hard, but I do believe it is worth it.
Never say that I lied to you about this life. Never say I was overly optimistic, because that is simply not in my nature. But believe me when I say, in spite of all the challenges, all the obstacles, and all of the incredibly hard days, I genuinely do believe that my choice to come out on the road was worth it. I believe that every single day, and to end this on a real, and honest (surprisingly positive) note: I welcome these challenges, and I (and we) will come out so much stronger on the other side.